


you came close enough to know my heartbeat, but still not close enough for me

by cornerstones



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: 2019-2020 Grand Prix of Figure Skating Final, Communication, Feelings, M/M, Phone Calls & Telephones, Softness, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:07:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21721948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cornerstones/pseuds/cornerstones
Summary: >Can I tell you a secret?Yuzuru is not at all prepared for a question like that and it makes him feel uneasy that he doesn't know what to expect. Nevertheless, he wants to know.<YesHe almost holds his breath while looking at the “Javier is typing...” insert and he tries to ignore the anxiety flaring up at the back of his mind. He exhales shakily when his text pops up, tears stinging at his eyes.>I miss competing with you too.-----When Yuzu says at the press conference after the Men's Free Skate Event at the GPF that he wishes he could still compete with Javi, he doesn't expect Javi to see it, never mind react to it.
Relationships: Javier Fernández & Yuzuru Hanyu, Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Comments: 14
Kudos: 111





	you came close enough to know my heartbeat, but still not close enough for me

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all just a quick something i wrote before and after the gpf gala today, i hope you enjoy it!
> 
> title taken from "never had" by oscar isaac
> 
> (which is a great yuzuvier song btw <3)

When Yuzuru finally steps into his hotel room in Torino, he can't do much more than simply collapse on his bed, his body finally resting and his mind cut off from all the buzzing noise that's been following him the entire day.

The whole event, the medal ceremony, the press conference, the countless interviews and questions all make him feel like an eternity has passed since this morning. He honestly feels drained, physically as well as emotionally, after giving this day his all and still coming up empty.

It wasn't a lie when he said he felt victorious in a way about overcoming his own fears and his own inhibitions but he can't help but feel a deep frustration bubbling just beneath the surface, threatening to spill over.

He takes a few deliberate breaths to get his mind to a calm place again because he doesn't feel like he has the energy to process the day and his own feelings; it feels like should he allow himself to actually feel the stark disappointment and anger, he won't have any control over it and if there's one thing he needs right now, then it's being the one in control.

With his face buried in the big pillows and his limbs splayed over the expanse of the mattress he's tempted to succumb to sleep just like that. Part of him yearns for the complete state of unconsciousness, to just forget about everything for a couple of hours, to not be so overtly aware of all the voices talking about him and all the eyes trained on him.

He's startled out of his thoughts by his phone alerting him to a text message. Frowning, he picks it up. He's already been in contact with Brian and Tracy, so he's wondering who else would message him now since most people know to let him be for a little while after competition.

His heart jumps when he looks at the screen.

_> Hey Yuzu, I watched you today, you were amazing!_

It's Javier and Yuzuru's heart does a complicated sort of dance, skipping between elation because he watched his skate and embarrassment because, well... because he watched his skate.

Before he can make up his mind how to reply to him another message comes through.

_> Five quads?? You're unbelievable!_

He gulps before opening the keyboard and typing in a reply.

_< Thank you Javi_

He adds a few smiling emojis for good measure because he remembers Javier (jokingly) complaining about his complex kaomojis that he had always trouble with deciphering.

When no bubble appears indicating that Javier's typing, Yuzuru contemplates whether to say anything more, whether to be as honest with Javier as he is only with himself. His mind and his eyes drift away from their conversation and instead focuse on his silver medal which he had haphazardly put on the nightstand before falling into bed. It's a very pretty design, he thinks. It would've looked better in gold, he laments.

Before his thoughts can spiral again, a ping sound comes from his phone and he raises it to his face again.

_> I watched the press conference, too._

Oh.

For unknown reasons he can feel a blush creep up his neck. He's not ashamed of voicing his feelings about how much he still misses Javier but it's a different thing to have him acknowledge it.

_< I just felt nostalgic_

A string of laughing emojis is attached to his text in hopes of making his previous statement seem more casual than it really was.

But it's true, in a way. He did feel nostalgic but more than that he felt vulnerable. He's felt like he matured since the last season, now that he belongs to the older circuit of senior skaters and he's tried his best to adapt to this new role; yet he hadn't anticipated to feel so deeply and utterly helpless this season. He hadn't anticipated how badly his near constant yearning for Javier would blaze up in that moment.

_> Can I tell you a secret?_

Yuzuru is not at all prepared for a question like that and it makes him feel uneasy that he doesn't know what to expect. Nevertheless, he wants to know.

_< Yes_

He almost holds his breath while looking at the “Javier is typing...” insert and he tries to ignore the anxiety flaring up at the back of his mind. He exhales shakily when his text pops up, tears stinging at his eyes.

_> I miss competing with you too._

A watery smile tugs at his lips as he reads over the words over and over again. His heart fills with tentative hope at the realization that he isn't alone in this, after all. He doesn't have to miss Javier on his own, he's still important to him too.

_> I don't miss the tough training and the nerves but I miss you guys._

_> I miss you_

Overwhelmed, Yuzuru finds himself having forgotten how to type because right now he can't do anything but stare at the messages, at their whole conversation really, the first real text conversation they've had in a while.

Blinking his eyes in an attempt to make the screen appear less blurry, he can only send him a few smiling emojis, even dares to put the odd heart here and there in his long line of emojis but otherwise he's unable to verbalize any actual sentences.

_> Can I call you?_

His breath hitches. It takes him a moment to contemplate if he wants to do this, whatever _this_ is, he only knows that they have never done this before after competitions where only one of them attended. Even after Javier's retirement they only sometimes texted a bit after a show or a competition, but it never went further than simply sending congratulations or quick encouragements.

The fact that Javier apparently wants them to do more, _be_ more for each other makes his heart warm.

Not long after he texted back a simple “yes”, his phone rings with an incoming video call.

Quickly, he dabs his sleeve over his eyes to get rid of any traces of his shed tears and puts a smile on his face before accepting the call. And yet he still feels wholly unprepared for this when he actually comes face to face with Javier's smiling expression.

“Hi Yuzu.”

Even through the slightly crackling connection, his voice sounds familiar and fond. In a way, it sounds like home to Yuzuru.

“Hi Javi,” he echoes, waving with his free hand before he can stop and think about how ridiculous he might look doing so. Javier only smiles more.

“I still can't believe you landed five quads,” Javier says, huffing out a laugh and shaking his head disbelievingly.

“Yeah...”

Yuzuru scrunches up his face, trying to smile, but merely looks down at his lap in the end.

“I know you must be disappointed,” Javier says after a moment, his voice soft. “Believe me, I'm so angry about your score...”

He looks up and sees a frown adorning his brows and compassion in his eyes.

Yuzuru bites his bottom lip before answering: “At this point, I can only accept. I can only accept what they give me.”

“Yuzu...”

The wistful tone in his voice makes Yuzuru's throat go tight and painful and he's trying to keep his emotions in check.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Yuzuru shakes his head, snuffling once.

“No. I mean... not now. I don't have energy and... it will only make me feel frustrate.”

“Okay,” Javier says, accepting it just like that which Yuzuru is infinitely grateful for.

He pushes some stray hairs behind his ear and notices Javier's eyes catching the quick motion.

“Will you watch gala tomorrow?” Yuzuru asks. His voice sounds way too hopeful even to his own ears.

“I'll try” Javier says and his dark, sincere eyes are wrinkling a bit at the corners when a slow smirk grows on his face. “You have something special planned?”

A high pitched giggle escapes him. It's a good feeling to know that Javier still knows him and his ways, even after their time apart.

“I plan skating to Notte Stellata,” he confides in him, lowering his voice to make it sound even more secretive – as if he doesn't know that most of his fans are counting on that particular performance already.

“Oh wow...” Javier murmurs. “It's been a while.”

There's nostalgia written all over his face as he's probably thinking back to PyeongChang, almost two years ago now, and Yuzuru feels the same.

He remembers what it felt like wearing that costume back then, how there was a dull throb in his ankle and a new lightness in his heart; how it felt like he was soaring when Javier's hands closed around his own and all he wanted to do was to hold on, to keep living in this moment.

Javier breaks their companionable silence after a moment, his voice sounding deliberately light.

“It will almost be like the Olympics again then.”

“Almost,” Yuzuru agrees. “But not the same without you. Never the same without you.”

The deep breath that Javier takes, even audible over the speaker, makes Yuzuru hope that Javier understands he's not only talking about them being rivals and rink mates. He hopes Javier understands he doesn't solely miss him for his skating.

“I'm...” he pauses, clears his throat. “Actually I'm glad. It feels good to know that...”

His voice trails off and Yuzuru is perplexed at witnessing him like this. It's new and unfamiliar and admittedly exciting.

“I'm glad you're still thinking of me,” Javier says at last, even though he looks like he wanted to say something else. Like maybe he wanted to say something more.

“Of course I am thinking of you.”

After all they've been telling each other this evening, this admission feels easy, natural and not at all scary unlike Yuzuru had always feared. Because how can this be scary when he sees a warm smile blooming on Javier's face at hearing him say those words?

When Javier speaks up again, his voice seems lower, hesitant. _Hopeful_.

“Maybe you will think about me again tomorrow then, too?”

There it is again, that lightness Yuzuru has felt in PyeongChang, the tempting whisper of a chance wanting to be taken. The unyielding urge to soar when all the forces around him want to ground him.

“I will,” he promises.

**Author's Note:**

> sooo instead of venting/raging about the scoring shitfest aka gpf my brain produced some yuzuvier softness bc yuzu mentioning javi at the press conference? my HEART and javi reacting to it in an insta story? MY HEART
> 
> actually i wanted to work on a longer wip today but alas, new yuzuvier material had to be dealt with lol
> 
> (but expect a (possibly) chaptered fic (hopefully) this month as well >.>)
> 
> fun fact, i wrote this entire thing in comic sans bc apparently you write more efficiently w that font? well idk abt that but it was an Experience at least :D
> 
> thank you for reading! <3


End file.
